Accountant Jokes
A lost balloonist lands in a random field and asks a man out walking his dog "Where am I?"
The man replies "you are three feet in front of me in the middle of a field."
"You must be an accountant!" retorts the balloonist.
"How did you know that?" the man asks incredulously.
"Easy. What you just told me is 100% accurate but absolutely useless!"
Sitting in a compartment on a train were the tooth fairy, an expensive accountant and a cheap accountant. On a table between them was placed a briefcase full of money.
Suddenly the train entered a tunnel and everything went dark. When the train exited the tunnel and the light returned, the briefcase was gone. Who took the briefcase?...
Well, it's obvious really. It had to be the expensive accountant as there's no such thing as the tooth fairy or a cheap accountant!
Three candidates are short listed for the accountant's job. They're all equally excellent, experienced and personable, etc.
The chairman asks each the simple question "what is two and two?"
The first replies "Four."
The second replies "Statistically anything between 3.999 and 4.0111."
The third replies "Well what do you want it to be?"
A young accountant dies. He immediately goes up to heaven (wishful thinking we know) and meets Peter. Because Peter is an organised sort of Saint, he goes through the required details.
Peter : How old are you?
The accountant : 33.
Peter : That's impossible!
The accountant : Why?
Peter : I have looked at your time sheets and examined the hours that you have charged your clients - by my reckoning you are at least 97!
Q: How do you save a drowning accountant?
A: Take your foot off their head.
Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What did the terrorist that hijacked a plane full of accountants do?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: What's brown and black and looks good on an accountant?
A: A Doberman Pincher.
Q: Why did the Auditor cross the road?
A: Because he did it last year!
Q: What do you call 500 accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
A traveller wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialized in human brains.
The sign in the shop read:
| Brain Type | Price per Pound |
|---|---|
| Artist Brains | £9.00 |
| Philosopher Brains | £12.00 |
| Scientist Brains | £15.00 |
| Accountant Brains | £29.00 |
Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted, "My, those Accountant brains must be quite tasty!"
The butcher replied, "Are you kidding? Do you have any idea how many Accountants you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"